


LITTLE FISH

by Rumified



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1803994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rumified/pseuds/Rumified
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>LITTLE FISH focuses on the everyday struggle that Mikasa must endure as she becomes the guardian of a 5yr old Annie. It'll explore her subconscious as she comes to terms on what it means to care for a child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Child's Request](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1560527) by [Rumified](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rumified/pseuds/Rumified). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is that Fanfiction that I promised of 5yr old Annie. And if you follow my Tumblr blog (same name) and/or artwork you would know what I’m talking about.

Prologue

Everyone was summoned, a loud crack like never before was heard below, Hanji and her men fully armed, followed the pursuit, preparing for the worst. Frighten and completely baffle. It had been many months since Annie’s _fall_ , and after constant surveillance, everyone grew tired. Their interest faded. Hanji was no longer amused, she could only stare at a person in deep sleep for so long before calling it quits. Her amusement relied on living _things_ , things that can attack her for one, things that can move and create panic in those around her. Only then, Hanji was content. But this, this was boring. A solidified person with no means of communication, Hanji didn’t want to admit that Levi had a point when he called her ‘ _storage, wasted space’_. She was gradually becoming one. The staff even stop polishing it, at first they grew terrified of _waking_ her up, seeing her eyes open; the first few days were very exciting for Hanji. But nothing happened. Until now.

It was out of sheer luck that Jean, Mikasa and Eren were nearby when they heard the loud crack. They were all confused and stare all over the place wondering what it was. It was only until they saw panic in their peers, making haste towards the dungeon that alarmed them. They knew instantly what was happening.

“She’s going to attack!” One shouted, that was enough to make them all follow pursuit. “But that’s impossible!” Jean shouted behind Eren, who was following Mikasa. Neither made any comment, to their knowledge her turning into a Crystal was also impossible. None were sure what to believe in anymore. Perhaps that was the reason they were running towards the danger instead of running away like many before them. They were curious.

Inside, Eren remembered an old friend; that was reason enough to follow after his sister, whereas Mikasa’s intention wasn’t quite clear. She was the one that spoke to her before her fall, maybe it was guilt. Not that anyone knew, whatever the reason, it bewildered both men to see her sudden interest spike.

“Bar the doors! Let no one in!” Levi commanded as he saw the three running pass him without any hesitation. He crossed expressions with Mikasa and glared for an instant. He then quickly made the assumption that having her present wasn’t _really_ such a bad idea. Mikasa stared back in silence and kept looking straight ahead as she saw many men gather around having their swords ready, hearing Hanji shouting in the background looking at some mist in the distance. “What. . .?” Mikasa muttered slowing down.

There was a louder crack, more men shouting, hearing the fear in their voices filling the walls. “Is that steam!?” Jean asked, coming to a stop. Eren’s eyes were widened, he was reminded of the colossal Titan. “What if she transforms!?” He shouted, he just made things worst. Some started to run away, they all knew that the blast would burn them all away. “Then we’ll die today!” Hanji shouted with such amusement, fire in her eyes, utterly excited at what was presented to her as she draws her blades quickly.

“Good to see you on our side! Be sure to strike when the opportunity arrives Eren!” Hanji shouted, approving his need for transformation if needed. “His blast along will eliminate us! This isn’t safe! We must leave!” Jean shouted and took a few steps back noticing that he was standing next to a ticking time bomb that was Eren. “Hey, what are you guys doing!?” He questioned once more.  Mikasa took a step forward and pushed a feared soldier out of the way, the touch alone made the poor man freaked, he was so frightened he ran away.  She looked back and saw Eren trembling with his thumb near his mouth contemplating Hanji’s words. Her expression worsens and sees Jean quickly smack him on the head. “Stop it!” He cried, more terrified than anything. For a second there, she was grateful for his presence. Her attention quickly returns to Hanji who was in the front lines.

“Move.” Levi ordered coldly shoving Eren aside and glared at him denying his intention of transforming as he reaches up to Hanji. “Don’t tell that idi-“ His voice quickly halted as a series of cracks were heard, none like before, all of the men stood silently, frighten, staring at the crystal coming undone, the dungeon becoming full of steam, Hanji’s eyes widen, her mouth dropped, fascinated by what was happening before her. She took a step forward and held her hand up getting ready to strike, not willing to give her the chance to transform. “WAI-“ Mikasa began and just as quickly a sudden blast of hot air was release knocking everyone out.

Mikasa braced herself with her jacket covering herself “AHHH! HOT HOT HOT.” Hanji shouted rolling around on the floor. _She might transform!_ Mikasa’s mind alerted herself, feeling responsible she quickly launches forward, grabbing a nearby blade, blinded by the steam, she swings her blade once, clearing her view and comes to a complete stop.

 Frozen, she’s utterly frozen as she sees a small child within.

“Let me at her! Let me at her!” Hanji shouts as she quickly comes running next to Mikasa and quickly freaks out upon her discovery.

They were both staring at a blond little girl with big blue eyes.

“Annie. . “ Mikasa said softly, making Hanji’s mind spring back into action. “Huh!?” Her outburst startled the poor girl as she shook inside her overgrown clothes. Mikasa blinked at this. Her eyes were glued to her.

Nothing made sense anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s very difficult to write something you have very little knowledge about. When it comes to this A/U that I created last December, I had a ton of images in mind, specific scenes, but only when I told myself, that I needed to render everything in writing, everything got confusing. I had no idea where to begin. And I still don’t, besides creating a Prologue; which is just a pathetic excuse to set the stage. I mean everyone who has venture my blog has seen my artwork, they can get a good idea of what happens. But how do you say ‘oh and she’s now held responsible for her, the end’ without making it sound so rash and stupid? I figured that drawings alone would be enough, but because of my nature, that wouldn’t t satisfy me. I like to complicate everything. If anyone is familiar with my fiction FORCED, this will be similar. I intent to explore the subconscious of Mikasa and her everyday struggles as she takes the role of Annie’s guardian and the consequences that come with it. Yes, it will be angsty, and there will be times where I would just like to kill myself. Much like FORCED did, but now I’m dealing with a 5yr old. You can imagine my excitement. Hopefully I’ll see you next chapter as I’ll probably explore the merits of raising a child and how fucked you are because of it.


	2. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [STOP. Please make sure to read the Prologue since this continues it.] You see something you can’t explain. You acknowledge it. It looks familiar, and you have no choice but to embrace it, because there is no changing it. (If this is your first time reading one of my fictions, here are some quick guidelines. Italics for the most part are inner thoughts and monologues. This particular fiction will be based on Mikasa’s POV, so everything will be hers. Unlike my other fictions that changed perspectives in order to explore the characters in every other chapter. This fiction is for Mikasa. And it’s extremely overdue.)

You wake up one morning and you realize that your life has made a complete 180. This tends to usually happen after a life changing event that makes us change for the better. But when it’s something forced on you, whether it’s by sheer luck _——_ _careful planning_ _——_ even limitation, you might find yourself staring down at a tiny blond child with big blue eyes staring back at you _——_ _w_ ondering, much like yourself,  _where does she belong?_  As the older of the two, it’s your responsibility to be able to provide such answers, she seeks you for wisdom.

 

_Not even._

                                                                                                                                                                         

For Mikasa knew that what a child wanted wasn’t something sweet to suck on, but having the  _need_  to belong. She wanted to be held tight. She wanted to be loved. Reassurance that she's safe. Because that’s what any child truly needs, and Annie was a far cry from being anything dangerous; or so it seems. She trembled with fear in her eyes, and who could blame her, she was inches away from being beheaded by a mad scientist.

 

_Is this ‘you’ we’re talking about, or Annie?_

 

Mikasa blinked, she was completely taken back by this.  _Projecting your feelings towards a child is a shitty way to justify her crimes._ _One gains self-doubt when they are forced into unwanted affection_.  _What makes you think Annie wants that?_

 

She started having doubts, she really didn’t know anything about her to make such a judgment call; but she was certain a moment ago, enough to put an end to her.   _The logical, right thing to do, given the situation._

_Are you trying to find justification?_ Her mind mocked her.

 

But it was a reminder that she didn’t really know anything about the girl. Especially in this particular form. She was forced to reconsider a different possibility; even though she certainly felt that way when Eren found her. And a part of her liked to believe that it was  _true_  for her, in order to keep her sanity. Another interesting point came up among her troubling mind, _just how normal do you wish to feel?_

She blinked again, not expecting that, she did commit crimes, crimes that were  _normal_? She never did questioned it, they seem like such a waste of a time to reflect on. She had overwritten them for survival purposes, and when it comes  to this cruel world, they seemed  _normal_  enough. And that’s what really made little sense to her.  _It shouldn’t have to, but it did._ And that realization made her realize what type of World this was _——cruel——_ she was a mere child when she made that assumption; and she never looked back on it. Regardless of the differences she and Annie had, the Annie, she once knew seemed to be ridden of this World, and that just made it  _crueler_  to her. Her heart harden beating at a steady pace _——one less comrade in my life——_ _she_ gripped on tightly to her weapon, knowing she was right to make that call early on.  _You expect you’d be accustomed to it, but you aren’t._  And that thought alone, made her  _feel_  like a human.  

She saw no traces of Annie in this child,  _but _——__  she paused, swallows hard and peers into her blue eyes _——_ _this _feels familiar._   _We tend to fear things we don’t know.__  Perhaps that was the reason she felt collective, she knew who she was.

In recollected memory, Mikasa has always been under the assumption, that those that have the ability to take action, should take responsibility for taking action for the greater good.  At the core, this was something that she and Eren share. Eren fought for what he believed was just. And whenever Eren was in trouble, Mikasa proved that she wasn’t going to wait to be called upon, because when you are capable of helping, you  _acted_.  In this particular moment, Mikasa was trying to see signs of Annie fitting that criteria. If she qualified, Mikasa was going to prove new guard. 

 _But why a child, Annie? Why?_ She bites her lower lip, the realization of the possibility of coercing children to become Titans was heartbreaking.  

 _What option did they have?_ She felt a shiver down her spine,  _did they even have one?_

For what purpose no one knew, it was just recently that they found out people could shift into Titans. And that was the main reason they wanted to capture them alive. To study them, no one expected what happened after they came close with Annie, and certainly not this moment. Everything would have been easier if her current state wasn’t a child, especially a confused frighten one. But the fact of the matter remains, if it was true, that was just fucking sad.

Mikasa’s heart found a steady rhythm, the mist in the air was overwhelming, but also familiar. She wasn’t on edge like everyone was. They didn’t feel the connection she had. But nevertheless, her grip didn’t lessen from her sword, and thought for a minute how easy it would be to end it.  _Maybe I’ll just use it_.

_——_ _y_ _ou_ _don’t have to._ She blinked, she wasn’t expecting her subconscious turning over a new leaf.  _It’s wrong and you know it_. Her heart started to ache as the weight of the words starting sinking in, it blossom in a wave of sadness, crashing over her instantly. She lower her eyes surrendering to her feelings, she knew she was no match for them. Never in her lifetime, would she imagine raising a blade to a child.

 

 _——_ _y_ _ou_ _don’t have to._ It repeated, lifting herself from this heavy burden. She really didn’t have to do anything, she could just easily step aside and let everyone else handle it. She can even assume the worst and wait for her transformation, killing everyone in sight. And even thought that could be a cruel fate, it bothered her in the form that it came. A child.

 

 _Weren’t you a child once? Didn’t you just want to go home?_ Mikasa saw the young girl hid behind the overgrown clothes trembling, she didn’t stop; she was beyond lost. And certainly no threat to anyone.  _Perhaps to herself._

Her leg twitches, knowing that she was at a complete surrender, conflicted about the meaning behind it all. Then she did the unthinkable, she scoops down to reach her, only Annie didn’t let her, she only took a step backwards. Children were never Mikasa’s strong point. Perhaps it was pure guilt that Mikasa felt for making that approach, maybe she owes her that much for actually falling that she needed to pick up the pieces. And even if it was a small piece of her, it was still Annie. But watching her take that step of  _mistrust_  open countless possibilities that she wasn’t expecting. She was staring at a genuine child with no vile intentions. Her confliction only grew as she came to a full stop.

 

_Does she not know her power? Does she lack memory?_

 

The possibility of her being taken in for torture was becoming a lesser option quickly and useless if she really had no memory at all.  _Maybe it’s what she deserves._

 

_But_ _——_

From the corner of her eyes, she sees a blade rushing forward and with fast reflexes she counters it stopping Levi from advancing forward. “Ackerman!” He lashed out.

Annie was startled, this was the 3rd person who wanted her head with Mikasa being second, everyone gasped at the sudden change. It didn’t look good, far from it. She was opposing her squad captain, against humanity’s threat, shielding her from being hurt.  _For what purpose?_ Mikasa had no real answer. Everyone had questionable expressions, murmurs and whispers were filling the room along with the steam. Hanji’s expression was relieved, her specimen was still in tack, but startled just the same. Levi took a step back and launch forward again, only to have it countered once more, Mikasa harden her expression. “She’s dangerous, Ackerman, don’t forget.” He stated in his usual cold demeanor, she could see the anger in his eyes _——no, revenge for his squad——_ strange that she didn’t share his views when Annie took Eren away. _Granted, a titan did, not a child._ _And Eren is alive_ _._ _And even then, it never seemed like she wanted him dead. ._

“Hey-“ Eren stepped in quickly feeling a panic across his face, hoping to talk sense into them, but was quickly stopped by Hanji. Mikasa could only glance at him and returned her attention back to Levi.

It didn’t hit her then, but Levi had made the decision for her. She was going to oppose anyone who stepped in, this much was clear to everyone present. And that’s what the murmurs were really about. Mikasa was sending a direct message by clashing blades with him, if  _he_  can’t stop her, no one in the room could.  She was going to take full responsibility if needed.

“Ah.” Levi started. “Do you wish to do the honors, Ackerman?” He took a step back once more. She could only glare back, no one in the room knew what was happening between the two, Levi could read Mikasa like a book, and he was taunting her knowing full and well where she was standing. He was giving her a way out, a justification for stopping him from actually doing it, _his message to everyone else._ Hanji’s mouth dropped quickly, this was something she didn’t expect. “You can’t!” she blurted out, shoving Eren away with forced making him stumble all over Jean, startling the poor boy who quickly shoves him off with great distaste. This was an alarming pressing matter to her, and it needed to be stopped!

“She’s not a science experiment.” Levi scolds at Hanji. “We don’t know what she is capable of.”

 

“That’s why we must study her!” Hanji demanded, hoping to talk sense into him.

 

Mikasa turned her attention back to Annie, letting Hanji deal with him in her stead. Annie wasn’t  _dangerous_ , she was small, fragile, with oversize clothes, completely bare shaking in her feet. This wasn’t a fair fight no matter how you slice it. The Annie, she had known was gone. It actually hurt at some level. They were once friends.

 

 _More reason to step in?_  Her mind informed her, finding purpose in her actions. She inhaled closing her eyes, and reflected for a moment.  _‘Those that have the ability to take action, should take responsibility for taking action for the greater good.’_

 _Greater good? What good could come of it?_ Her mind questioned, it wasn’t helping, it only made things more difficult for her.

 _——_ _take  responsibility. _It echoed, her heart was really racing at this point.

_You either step away from the blast or leap forward and aim for her head to stop it all together. Or _——__

_‘Then we’ll die today!’_ Hanji’s words echo inside Mikasa’s head. At this point, they really seem fitting.

_—— just leap in and fuck the rest._

She quickly opens her eyes, drops her sword, and leaps forward, feeling her heart in her throat by her new found decision _——_ _take responsibility. You made her fall _——__ she picks her up without her consent _——lets fall together Annie——_ and drops to the floor quickly with her in her arms, shutting her eyes expecting a blast.

“Ackerman!” They shouted her name, filling up the fully steam room instantly.

Her heart was beating furiously, Annie was incredibly light, small, and incredibly fragile. Mikasa knew that  _this_  was a judgment call. And could easily be beheaded for it.

 _My gamble. Right Annie?_ She smiled inside as she reflected on the last moments she saw her as a human. She didn’t understand fully what she meant then, but now she did. This was a bet she was willing to take on.  

Annie may have been a lot of things _——a friend for one, a comrade for two——_ but Mikasa couldn’t stand aside and let her be slaughter by such hate when she herself couldn’t even stand properly.

_If she would have transformed, that would be reason enough to kill her. Something to even the ground. Some pathetic reason to not lose sleep tonight for slaughtering a child._

More blades were quickly drawn out, they themselves have also expected the worst. She knew that if they were to strike, she would die along with her; she still wasn’t going to budge. Holding her sword against  _everyone_  made no sense, she didn’t wish to go against everyone for her personal intuition.  _Yes, today is a fine day to die, Hanji. What better way than a dark room full of steam with questionable expressions on their faces, fear in their eyes, with swords drawn out to kill you; fine way indeed._

It was laughable. And strange as it was, she didn’t feel like this was something she was going to regret. Not that it’ll matter in the next few seconds. But the  _cause_  made it worth it. Her conviction of doing it for a greater good in this senseless, cruel World, even out her sanity, and even if this was the end of her and everyone, she was ready to die as a  _human_. And this was something she will never apologize for.

_If you’re going to transform, this is it you little shit._

Silence.

It was quickly disturbed by a small body movement within herself, and it emitted a startling sound. “Hic.”

Mikasa opened her eyes, the small child was gripping onto her clothes, shaking with watery eyes as tears went down her cheeks, frighten beyond belief. She blinked and Annie hiccup once more.

Mikasa was astonished, she couldn’t believe what she was witnessing. In the mere moments where she paved way for her to unleash such great terror among humanity, she reduced herself to a mere child hiccupping out of fright. She whimpered staring back at her, her grip didn’t lessen, she held on tight to her jacket. Annie’s fate was inching near to a resolution, and time was something neither had. What was her fate?

_What’s mine?_

Levi stared in silence and lower his blade, his action relaxed a few members and lower their guard. No one said anything, none had the right words to follow up. The child quickly buried her face in Mikasa’s chest for shelter.

And there it was.

Mikasa had no idea how dramatically her life would change by such action. How effortlessly Annie made it for her.

Her lips parted, her heart was now rapidly racing for all the wrong reasons, her vision became a bit blurry, and everything inside started aching.

_This is just so wrong. . . so cruel._

“What gave you the right?” Levi stated in his usual tone, raising up his blade once more, this time to her. She could only glare back and swallowed hard, trying her best to not buckle, she even failed to notice how hard she was gripping onto the Annie at this point, and this didn’t sit well with him. “I watched her fall.”

She responded, with her voice almost cracking. Everyone in the room can vouch for that. They all knew that if it wasn’t for her, she would have made it over the wall. It only seems logical to let her finish it. She inhales mustering her strength and boasts with a serious expression. “I can do it again.”

Levi’s eyes had no fire in them, dissolution was perhaps the only word to describe it _——_ _curiosity, was another_ _——_ he glances to his side. “You’ll need body guards.” He stated, surprising everyone once more.

_Acceptance._

Mikasa’s eyes widen at this, she didn’t expect for him to surrender that easily. Levi’s eyes scouted looking for suitable soldiers to take such task. No one was amused. None step forward. Hanji was relief, and quickly chipper. Eren was confused about the entire ordeal, everyone seemed to have  _some_ understanding of what was happening. And it was something that really wasn’t needed, as long as they did what they were told, that was good enough. They didn’t need to be brief of what they just witness, if they themselves couldn’t grasp, that was their loss. Levi wasn’t one to hold explain the obvious.

“No need.” Mikasa said, interrupting Levi’s plan, masking a small smile underneath feeling more relaxed. She glanced down seeing Annie in the same position, hiding away, no longer making any sounds, just watching her body pulsate trying to control her hiccups. She could tell that she was still frightened. She looks back at him in all seriousness.

“I am worth 100 soldiers.” She declared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t expecting this outcome, I honestly wasn’t expecting anything. Normally because I don’t plan my chapters. And I certainly wasn’t expecting for Mikasa to ask herself such questions, but because she did, I was able to explore her more. Annie hiccupping at the very end was. . . interesting. It made me smile. Nothing felt more human than actually having her become so frightened that she’ll start hiccupping. In my experience, one of the reasons children hiccup is because they are frightened, and I wanted to implement that here. Having her be a child spoke to me. It changed everything, especially the way Mikasa felt. I think if she didn’t see any of that, she would just classify Annie as this horrible monster that was just playing some sick trick to get away with murder. Instead, I wrote about this fragile child, who is about to be killed, and Mikasa acting against it. Annie took a step back when Mikasa approach, she is in my opinion, is the pinnacle of what a pure child is. Their innocence of not trusting what they don’t understand; their need to question what’s around them at all times. Annie is aware at this particular moment that she isn’t well perceived, that she has done something incredibly wrong, and she’s about to be punished for it. She feels like any child will feel when they are on time out. They don’t necessarily understand why they were scolded, but they are hurt by it. Annie fits this to a T, she doesn’t appear to have any memory and she doesn’t understand what is happening. She is sought out by adults with swords, and this woman (Mikasa) tried to harm her but is now reaching out for her. Instead of coming forward to what appears like acceptance, she took a step back, she wasn’t ready to trust her yet. And that type of psyche is incredible to have as a child. And I love that Mikasa saw that. That simple gesture, made the gamble worth it to her. Now, will it pay out? See you in part 3.


	3. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doing the right thing is not always a rewarding experience, and more often times than not, we are faced with steeper prices because of it. We tend to do things without thinking, and placing blame based on time restrictions becomes a reason. Our intuitions come into play, and they help us reach our conclusions regardless of the consequences. Our experiences become our fruits and labor to a better tomorrow, and sometimes kindness and guilt can easily cloud our judgment. In situations where your emotions make the call, there can only be disagreements. It becomes a personal stand that trusting it becomes fully illogical. All these things can rise up tension and uncertainty from those around you, and they eventually bare down to the essentials of what is humanity: hope. You hope that you did the right thing. You hope that this will not be in vain. You had hoped that you made the right judgment call. And you hope that their trust in you won’t go to waste. At the end of the day, when everything has been said and done, the real question remains: was it for you or was it for her? Welcome back to LITTLE FISH, brace yourself.

The air didn’t lighten up, not even after her claim was said. It was still thick, the steam was no longer a problem. The source felt closer to home.  It was human.

Human error.

_Inhale._

Uncertainty is humanity’s worst enemy. It was always the difference between life and death in a battle field. You either swing your blade, or you die. Humans have had such a long losing track of being hindered by their emotions, so it wasn’t rare for someone to do something  _illogical_ _because of them_ , it was rare, however, to see such a stoic character that is Mikasa, make such a decision.

But she was human, and her decision made that clear. It was the loudest evidence in the room, it was the lump in each soldier’s throat. The source of their tension, their heavy footsteps, their mix expressions, their fast beating hearts, their silent screams of an impending  _bomb_ ; a nightmare waiting to be unleashed. That’s all Mikasa was; a Biohazard ticking bomb with no explanation.

_Whoever thought you could be so brave?_

Mikasa’s heart was in sync with everyone else, she was nervous, she knows what she has done, only she had no idea what it meant.

And that’s the thing about being a human, you’re allowed to be illogical.  _You are, however, not allow to risk anyone’s lives because of it._ Her mind quickly reminded her.

_Exhale._

_“I am worth 100 soldiers”_

 

It echoed in her mind. A line that Levi was displeased to hear, she was reminded of her ignorance when she once boasted about her strength when hearing about the death of her brother, it only proved how little she truly changed. But today she did it for a  _rebirth_  of a friend she once knew. To  _her,_ this was justification enough for being illogical to pressing eyes.

_Inhale._

Mikasa’s chest risen feeling Annie’s head against it _——_ _there is always that possibility _——__ that chance that Annie could be. But it was just too damn painful to think about in her current condition. She glanced down and ran her fingers through her hair, cupping her small head, reminding herself that she’s holding a child, nothing less, and that really was the core of Mikasa’s predicament, she honestly couldn’t tell if she was a danger at all. She just knew that she didn’t  _feel_ like it.  

_Uncertainty is humanity’s worst enemy._

To everyone’s guess, she was. Without a doubt. They weren’t even hiding it. The room was just becoming unbearable.

_Inhale._

Mikasa never form a real opinion about time, she never bothered to question it, she never bothered to measure it, there was no point, it was something completely out of her control. But she certainly felt it dragged on, every second was stretched out to its limitations, and the worst thing about time slowing down, is  _feeling_  time slowing down. Seeing Eren and Jean in the BG trying to advance forward, but being incapable didn’t help matters.

_Exhale_.

 

They would just barge her with questions, demand explanations, nothing Mikasa could answer right now, and if they wanted to see the child in question, it was worse, for it seemed wiser to  _run away_  from her than actually come forward. Granted, Eren wasn’t the wisest and Jean the bravest. Both stuck in a loop with frozen expressions.

 

Annie's warm breath against her skin measured how fast things were moving. She could tell by the rapid speed of her tiny heart, it didn’t ease up. Annie was still shaken, trembling within her hold, Mikasa trying her best to not reflect her emotions. She placed the blame in her lack of clothing, Annie was still bare, and only Mikasa’s sleeves did any covering. She would have taken off her jacket and cover her, but Annie wasn’t easing up on her grip, she knew she had to be patient, warm her with her own body temperature at best.  

Mikasa didn’t wish to admit it, but she was scared of Annie transforming quickly, blasting her away to nothing if she did something wrong.

 _Uncertainty is humanity’s worst enemy._ She ponders.  _No. It’s fucking horrifying._

_Inhale._

_It’s only logical to think this way._ Mikasa reminded herself,  _it’s human._ At least to Hanji, this  _discovery_  meant everything to her. And as a scientist, it’s  _only logical_ to preserve a great find that’ll contribute to your research.

_And humanity._

Sadly, not everyone felt this way.

Mikasa’s was inching away to a halt, she could no longer inhale, her throat was beginning to feel tight, and she could sense that something was wrong. Her grip tightens, her expression serious, her chest beat rapidly, the alarming sudden footsteps creeping up from behind her made her tense up quickly that she turned around, only to come face to face with a soldier reaching out to grab Annie from her, she steers clear, making Annie cried out quickly in her arms. She became unstable once more, her eyes quickly searching about with immense curiosity as she holds on tight, and quickly hears a cry escape the man’s lips “you have no right to endanger our lives!” he shouted, angry that he missed with a sword in his hand.

Mikasa couldn’t draw out her sword, Annie made that difficult _——_ _difficult to act, to think_ _——with fast reflexes_ , she jerks herself to the floor missing his sword swing as he rams it through the ground, breaking his blade on impact missing Mikasa’s head by an inch, sending a broken shard across her cheek cutting it. She gasped, startled by such a close call, her heart rapidly racing as she stares directly at him. She ignored the burning sensation it created.   _Make your move. Do it. Do it._  Mikasa was taunting the man in silence, she was scared, angry, and that only meant she had something to lose.

Her humanity wasn’t one of them.

Without a moment to lose, she uses the floor to muster up her strength and pushes the man from his stomach with her leg. Mikasa couldn’t focus on the hard hit her back took by such a close call, and with her sudden movements, Annie was letting out distressed cries that Mikasa just couldn’t pay attention to. She just knew her ears were ringing at his point. She’s aware that this isn’t just her life anymore _——and t_ _hat any second Annie could transform_ _——_

And every soldier knew this.

The soldier quickly advances forward with full strength using his broken blade to finish what he started.  _That’s it, provoke me, give me reas_ _——_ Mikasa’s eyes widen as she suddenly sees the man’s hand flying in midair as Hanji cuts it off with her sword. Blood splattered everywhere as he screamed in agony with blood gushing out, hitting Mikasa’s sleeves, dirtying Annie’s back, sending the poor child into a frightening scream. It brought Mikasa back to reality, she couldn’t just stare forward, she had a child in her arms. Annie was wailing, and for a second Mikasa believed that he actually hit the poor child.

Her head was spinning, her chest beating furiously, she was utterly confused about the entire ordeal, freaked by the possibility of a dire flinch and everyone would be blasted away from her transformation.

_If this was the day you were going to die, what would you want to do?_

Her eyes began to swell, and she wasn’t sure what actually hurt the most, the fact that she could die, or that she had no answer at all.

 _Whoever thought you could be so brave?_  Her mind mocked with a gentle whisper burning a hole in the back of her head.

_Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale, you stupid girl!_

Mikasa ran her hands quickly down Annie’s back in a panic, trying to feel any injuries and felt nothing. Her fingers were drench in red, and they were now covering her tiny body, the image shocked her _——_ _a child in red, crying in my arms, what a horrific fate_ _——it was incredibly painful to assume she cause her this much pain._  

Annie was running out of breath softly sobbing, trying her to gasp for air, completely frighten. Mikasa quickly looks up and sees a stoic Hanji, without remorse whatsoever for her action. No apologies, no mistake, no miscalculation, she honestly didn’t give a damn for her actions.

And it was the worst thing Hanji could have done in a room full of already panic soldiers, but this, she wasn’t going to take it back either. She had no means to either, and that really conflicted her squad. They of all people should know, they should know that memories of her past captures that were destroyed hunted her, she wished she could have been there to prevent any ill harm to them _——_ _Bean and Sonny_ _——they should understand that_ she was not going to make that same mistake twice. Not when she was this close to a great breakthrough.

_Yet._

_Human error._

 “You chose the life of a titan over ours!?” One shouted, making it sound more like a fact as it echoed across the corners of the room.

And there it was. The line that change everything for the worse. Everyone’s life wasn’t so simple anymore. To the other 30 members of the Survey Corps that were once confused _,_ they quickly found their focus _——_ they wanted to survive, they wanted to live, they didn’t want to be like cattle, waiting to die at the wrong turn _——_ and they started to rebel.

 _Humans are such fragile creatures._ Mikasa inhale.

_One second. Two seconds._

_Exhale._

“I chose salvation!” Hanji shouted back, letting her voice fill the room.  “And I’ll do it again!” She barked aiming her sword at them.

Levi was shocked, there was no more order, he expected this out of his peers, not leaders, and leaped forward as a group of angry men made haste towards Hanji, whom in return formed a small smile, she knew what she had done, and looked at Mikasa, “the Survey Corps always had a losing record. . .” she trailed off and gave her a sincere look and stared at Annie. Mikasa’s heart dropped.

“RUN!” She screamed with a serious expression, aiming her sword at the advancing angry soldiers.

Mikasa’s heart jolted at her command, she quickly turned and ran, bumped into another soldier and held the child tightly, shoving the man aside with forced, knocking him over the others almost losing her footing. She heard a loud clash of blades and glanced up only to see Hanji unmanning a soldier from advancing forward. Hanji wasn’t going to let anyone get in her way. Annie was one of a kind.

_The find of a lifetime!_

 

Many were afraid to come near her based on her reputation of being a  _mad_ scientist that some obeyed her order and ran if it meant living another day.

 

Three men steered clear from Mikasa’s path as she came forward, it was a horrific sight, she was bleeding from her cheek, blood on her clothes and all over Annie’s back, completely afraid to get near her _——_ to their knowledge, it looked like Annie was dead _——_ and they weren’t certain if stopping Mikasa was in their best choice anymore.  

 

Everyone had different reasons to worry; a possible ticking bomb, two of their finest Squad Leaders  _willing_ to harm them if they were to stop them.

 

_To attack, to stop, to flee. Which decision to make?_

 

_Exhale._

_For this is worse than being cattle._

This day of all days, was one that will be greatly discuss for years to come.

 

_But you’re strong, aren’t you?_

One soldier quickly grabs on to her jacket, pulls back, stopping her from going forward, cutting her air instantly. With anger in her eyes, she pulls hard and almost misses her step as he lets go making her miss her step. Completely angry, full of rage, she steps over a tripped soldier who grabs her leg and quickly kicks him in the face.

_Stop. Stop it._

She doesn’t bother to see their faces, she doesn’t want to know who they are, she doesn’t want to know their names, she only wants to advance, to get away, and hated how difficult they were making it. Another grabs Annie’s leg and Mikasa feels the child almost fall out of her arms as she screams out.

“STOP!” She shouts and uses her elbow to hit the soldier in his face, making her lose complete balance, falling over another soldier as she hits the ground once more. Who knows how many injuries Annie had sustained, but she couldn’t shield her from ever fall she’d make. Mikasa couldn’t take it anymore, she knew this wasn’t going to be easy. It was just her against so many.  And while they didn’t prove a challenge because she could beat them, she didn’t want to harm no one in the process, and that made it all that difficult.

 _Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale you stupid girl._ Her mind screamed at her. She knew what had to be done, only she wished it hadn’t come to this. She leans forward and grabs his sword quickly and cries out as she swings it in front of her to prevent others from coming close. She didn’t want an ambush. She honestly couldn’t afford it.

The men gasp, jumped back and paved way for her to exit.  “You have no right!” one shouted, as she quickly got on her legs and ram her way through another soldier using forced and hits herself against a wall, and blinks gasping for air. Surprise to see she made it this far. Her legs ache as she sees a wooden door nearby and starts to run towards it.

 _Hope. Hope._ That only made things worse for her, it made her heart race at the  _possibility_  of inching closer to some solitude from everyone else. Without a second thought, she bolts forward and is stopped as another soldier leaps out to and trips her, causing her to come crashing across the door with full force, using her arm to break the hit, a shot of pain rushes across her body as she cries out closing her eyes quickly.

 _Was it Annie’s cries or mine?_ Mikasa can’t tell at this point, she just knows it’s out of her control, she embraces herself for the next wave of pain as she’s forced to use her body to push open the door.

 _Do it. Do it._ She encourages herself as she glares at the man standing up to run towards her and she picks up the pace, biting her lower lip as she hits the door once more and feels it budging _——hope, hope, hope——_ there it was again, she was growing into a panic as he came closer drawing out his sword knowing that any second it could be her last.

Mikasa can’t determine if it’s her fear that summoned her the courage to use her full strength that actually cause her to burst through that door, but she quickly stumbled backwards, shocked to actually pull it off and instantly shuts it back before anyone could come in and hits the floor letting out a scream of agony, letting her entire body get hit with intense pain numbing her all over. Letting herself to actually feel everything she had neglected before, everything felt so surreal to her.

_You’re strong aren’t you?_

She closes her eyes, knowing this is far from over, and quickly her body is jolted forward, opening her eyes wide open as her voice gets caught in her throat. The men pushed the door in, trying to break through as the light crept in revealing much of the room in question, each pushed made her head slam against the door. She screams again, rage in her voice, she honestly can’t pinpoint the source of her pain anymore, but she honestly wanted for Annie to transform and blast  _everyone away_.

To wipe away the horror that is humanity, the fear behind their eyes, the horrible things their emotions were making them do.

_Humans are illogical when they act on emotion. There is nothing illogical about that soldier that wanted to stop you. He wanted to survive, how are you both different?_

The men kept pounding, not giving up and Mikasa pushes herself against it, giving it more strength to withhold.

 _We aren’t._ Her chest harden, knowing that  _they_ themselves couldn’t see that but she could. It just made her decisions that more harder to make. “Fucking stop. . .“ She muttered out, catching her breath, knowing it was futile to utter such nonsense, not like they could hear her, not like they would  _listen._ Instantly a sword pierces through the door above her head. Her eyes widen, mouth dropped seeing it covered in red as a howling man screams in agony from behind. Her body jolted, not wanting to know the cause, she stands up quickly trying to find another exit with Annie in her arms.

Not once has her grip lessens, she honestly didn’t make a comment over the extra weight the child provided, but now, after standing up, she was feeling it. It only proved how exhausted she was becoming. Annie’s state wasn’t any different, Mikasa wasn’t even aware of how wet her shirt had become due to all her crying.

It felt like some horrible nightmare, her eyes trace to another door nearby, cover by several crates.  _Hope. Hope._  She gasps for air, the sound of the pounding door becoming synchronize with her heart, they didn’t light up, muffled shouts and cries were heard in the BG, she honestly couldn’t focus on them, and a part of her wished Annie wasn’t paying attention, and the worst part of it all, she couldn’t focus on that, she needed to get out. Quickly, she heard a loud thud hitting it hard and then silence.

She paused. It sounded like a  _body_  was thrown against it, whoever it was, or whatever it was, she needed to go. She advances quickly towards the crates and tries to make a way to get through using her leg. She released a frustrated sigh as she saw that they were heavy, and place her back to one of them and starts to push backwards.

_Hope. Hope. Hope!_

She glared,  _NO. I’m going to make it happen!_

She pushed hard, biting her lower lip as she closed her eyes, her heart beating furiously inside her chest, wanting the urge to escape, to just get out, to just be spare.

_Whoever thought you could be so strong?_

She opens her eyes quickly and sees one fall over, crashing all over the floor, creating a ruckus to be heard. The fall created more dust in the air, and as much as she wanted to breathe, she couldn’t. She forced herself to squeeze through the small opening she created, holding on tight, finding the small space cramp, made worse with child in hand, struggling to make it through. “Almost. . . Almost” she mutters out to the child, and herself, and feels her back aching as it rubs against broken pieces of wood. Knowing that any second, it would pierce through her.

Feeling an incredible sweat, paranoia, and so effortlessly helpless, she pauses as her jacket gets caught in a broken piece. She exhales, damning her luck and proceeds forward and hears a small rip. She quickly stops, and tries again, and feels it cutting her skin.

 _Fuck, fuck fuck fuck._ She pauses again, the limited space makes it hard to readjust her position, her hands pressed hard against the other box, almost certain to be cutting off Annie’s air supply, she couldn’t go back,  _not when any second someone can burst through the door._

Her worst fears are coming true, she must go forth, she bites her lower lip hard and advances forward, letting it cut through her back. Being so close to the door, she yanks herself through with one hard move and cries out in pain as she feels a burning sensation on her back. She stumbles as her leg lands and once more hits the wall with her side.

She turns to her side, her vision a blur, feeling tears down her eyes as she gasps for air, relief to have made it out as she looks down at Annie who was beyond frighten, hidden away, catching her breath as well. She swallows hard and starts to push the door with her back once more and sees it open smoothly, grateful that it didn’t provide extra work.

She closes it shut and sees that it’s just as empty as the other with some crates nearby. It was still dark, and Annie began shivering.

_—— and cold._

Mikasa swallows hard and strokes Annie’s back as she starts to whimper.

 _Children are afraid of the dark you stupid girl._ She remains quiet to that for a moment.

“Children are afraid of everything. . .“She mutters sadly and starts to look for a lantern. “It’ll be okay.” She states as her eyes wandered about walking towards one of the crates, knowing that she is lying through her teeth while ignoring her own pain. She wasn’t the child here, Annie was, and tries to make her stand on one of the crates, only Annie didn’t want to part from her,

“Annie. . “ She begins and tries again. “No!” Annie wails all over again as Mikasa quickly pulls her off her losing her patience. “Stand!” She scolds as she makes her, “I need to keep you warm!” Annie blinks as she sees Mikasa’s face and starts rubbing her eyes, taking a step back letting out another cry.

Mikasa blinks and remembers her earlier incident and panics.

 _Fucking stupid_.

And touches her cheek, and rubs it quickly with her sleeves and sees it covered in blood. Her eyes begin to water up, and she swallows hard shaking her head. “I’m okay. It’s. . not mine. I’m okay.” Another lie as she tries her best to clean herself up quickly.

“Not mine.”  _Really fucking stupid._  

“Hic”. She blinks, looking up and sees Annie hiccuping once more, her eyes were red, sore from all that crying, terrified, unsure of what’s happening around her. Mikasa didn’t need good light to see this, she knew what horrible things Annie has just been part of, it made her heart that more heavy as she slowly removed her jacket biting back the pain it brought her and wrapped it around her small body.

It was dirty, full of many blood stains, a mix of hers and others, but it’s all she had on her. And she hated how useless she was becoming around her.   _I’m worth a hundred soldiers._ It flashed across her eyes, she wasn’t certain anymore.

She swallows hard and forms a tiny smile for her sake.

“See? Better right?” She asks weakly, only Annie didn’t care, she leaned back forward and hugged her, crying gently on her shoulder once more. Mikasa sighed and held her tight, having her small legs dangle on either side of her once more, regaining her position.

“Okay, Annie.” She said in defeat, looking around for a source of light. “Okay. . .“

She was feeling incredibly hot, knowing she had worked up a sweat _——Maybe it’s all the warm blood——_ but the air in the dark room was damp. Musky, no one had ventured into it for a while, that much was certain, but she was grateful no one was present, even if it made breathing a bit difficult.

_Inhale._

Her vision fully adjusts to the room, and her nose picked up a scent that was  _familiar_ , she wondered where it could be coming from. She glanced around and at herself, her eyes quickly stopped as she noticed a stain in her thigh. She squinted her eyes, the poor light in the room wasn’t very helpful, it appeared  _brownish,_ she just knew it was too light to be blood. She was silenced and tried to put the pieces together.

_Exhale._

Annie hiccupped once more in her arms, Mikasa’s eye didn’t flinch, calculating in silence, in disbelief. Noticing the position Annie was in.  

_Inhale._

She was finally certain, Annie peed on her.

Her heart felt incredibly heavy. She sighed deeply, stared at the ceiling and closed her eyes. It was another thing she failed to notice. She couldn’t pinpoint the exact time it happened, everything was a horrific blur. She just knew it’s something she couldn’t control right now. She knew it was natural for a child to pee out of fear, and perhaps that was part of the reason for her to cry that much, waiting for that scold of ‘ _you shouldn’t have’¸_ only Mikasa couldn’t possibly blame her for it.

 _Yet you did when you made her stand._ Her heart hardens seeing her mistake.  _She’s definitely a child._ The realization was really sinking in.

She took a step forward, her leg felt so heavy, she was a complete disaster, everything was hitting her like a ton of bricks. She honestly wasn’t sure on what to do anymore, she had never been in such position before. She wasn’t trained for  _this_.

And she what she was trained for, she wasn’t doing.  _Not to a child._ She repeated to herself, reaffirming her predicament.

 _And no one to turn to._ That was the real blow for her, she was honestly alone on this.

_You’re strong aren’t you?_

She had no answer.

She walked towards the crates and saw that they were empty, there really was no point of making any light, she just knew that she could easily walk out and be murdered. What of her squad leaders, she had no idea, let alone if they’re still breathing No idea on what has happened to her friends either. No idea about anything at all.

And certainly clueless about the child in her possession.

_You’re worth 100 soldiers, huh?_

She paused, looked down, and realize that that was just incredibly painful to think about.

 _You allowed a moment of arrogance get the best of yo——_ her concentration is cut off as the first door quickly swung open, startling Annie once more, sending Mikasa into a panic as she quickly ducks against the wall hearing footsteps on the other side.

“Where is she?” She heard a man questioned as they moved around, knocking some crates over. Annie whimpers and quickly Mikasa covers her mouth. “Please be quiet.” She pleads, feeling hopeless for making such a stupid request to a frighten child. She realizes that she isn’t very good with them. Especially when they’re in such a state.  Being fully aware that she’s being hunted.

 

Their footsteps advance forward, drawing closer to the door, Mikasa began studying their footsteps to pinpoint how many are there. If it’s even worth fighting for.

 

_Two. Just two._

No friends were among them. Their tone wasn’t of concern, they sounded furious, determine to bring harm if resisted. Mikasa didn’t come this far to simply surrender, her only option was to remain as perfectly still as possible.

 

It was sad, really, they were all comrades once. But her grip tightens as they draw closer towards her position, nerving her completely, feeling her heart beat furiously inside her thinking, calculating what she could do with open eyes feeling her breath caught in her throat.

 

_Exhale._

 

She blinks as she feels Annie fidgeting against her.

 

“Stay still!” She scolds quickly and she looks down and quickly her heart drops. She’s suffocating the poor child. Her hand was covering her nose as well. She quickly panics and lets go, Annie gasps for air, letting out a weak cried and started to cry in-between.

 

“No! No!” She tries to muffle her cries in a panic knowing she needs to catch her breath, but the last thing she needs right now is any sound. Mikasa honestly couldn’t take it anymore, she felt so incredibly sorry. It was beyond horrible what she was doing.

 

“Wait! I hear something!”

 

_You’re strong aren’t you?_

 

“I’m so sorry!” Mikasa states as she puts Annie down, letting her fall on her side laying on the floor, gasping for air. She grabs her sword quickly as the two men come bursting through the door and Mikasa swiftly swings her sword into the air cutting one of men’s heads off screaming. The other screamed in return, freaked out and just as quickly Mikasa rams her sword towards his chest, letting out a long wail, knowing she was murdering innocent people, who were probably just doing their jobs.

 

“I am strong!” She shouted as she watches him fall to the ground, next to his headless comrade. She gasps for air, still staring down, shocked that she came to this ultimate conclusion. They were survey corps, they were once her peers, they were once her friends.

 

_Just like Annie._

 

But Mikasa wanted to live.

 

_What are you living for?_

Her vision was blurry, she was shaking, her throat was aching and she quickly turned her attention to Annie, and saw that she was still lying on the floor _——Lifeless——_ she felt a sharp pain in her chest just at the thought seeing her cover in her bloody jacket, filled with horrible memories. She left the blade inside his chest, and ran towards her aid, dropping herself to her knees ignoring all the pain she felt. She was living for her now.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” she cries in a whimper, disbelief and full of panic. She picks her up and sees that she’s still struggling, her cry was very weak. Her eyes were shut, all red, sore, even her voice. Mikasa tears hit Annie like bullets, letting them all fall down her cheeks, she really couldn’t take it anymore and cried with Annie in her arms. Wailing in the empty room, not giving a damn if she’ll be discovered.  

 

 _You’re the stoic character_.

 

Mikasa clutches tight and just damned the world. Damn everyone.

 

_Human error._

 

_But I’m human. . ._

She reminded herself, and she wished that Annie could see that, that she could understand it, and forgive her so she wouldn’t feel so horrible about it. All she really wanted was a child’s forgiveness.

_But even then, you wouldn’t forgive herself._

 

And that’s just the thing, Mikasa couldn’t ask forgiveness for something so terrible. She honestly didn’t deserve it. Annie had finally returned to them after so long in a childlike state, and she hasn’t been alive for more than an hour and she has endured such suffering. Worst yet, Mikasa knew that wouldn’t be the end of it.

 

“I’m sorry.” She states, shaking with her in her arms. Everything was just horrible. Her throat hurt, she felt so heavy, exhausted, she can’t remember the last time she cried this much.

 

“I’m sorry” She repeats slowly as she digs her own fingers through Annie’s hair, caressing her head gently, unsure of what to say or do. She wasn’t one to comfort crying children. But feeling Annie’s chest move up and down as she gasps for air was comforting, she coughed a few times, for Annie was strong.

 

_Stronger than you._

She swallows hard giving a small nod, full of agony “it’s going to be okay. . “ Mikasa  repeats in a shudder, sniffling quickly, resting her head against her, letting the poor child regain her strength as she remains frozen in place. Frozen in time. For Mikasa never formed a real opinion about time. She just let it drag on.

 

And she wasn’t sure who she was lying to at this point, herself or Annie. But it didn’t stop her from saying it. It didn’t stop her from believing it.

_Hope; f_ _or uncertainty is humanity’s worst enemy._

 

“It’s going to be okay.” Her voice a small whimper, traumatized by the events, she didn’t stop stroking her back, this was her way of measuring time.  _When Annie was frozen, time stood still. Annie came back, and it stood still again._

 

Mikasa’s eyes were red, her chest was finding a steady beat, she was slowly synchronizing it with Annie’s, and she started to feel like herself again.

 

“I won’t let you die.”

 

Was the last thing Mikasa said.

 

_Whoever thought your hands were meant for something else other than killing? Whoever thought they could be so caring?_

 

_Whoever thought you could be so brave?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don’t have anything to say. . .


	4. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You see, before the year was out, I was enduring some major conflicts with my GF at the time. It became a blur of ultimatums and I was very frustrated by various things that watching it crumble before my very eyes without control took a lot out of me. You’re with someone and you love them, and you want to do everything you can to make it work, only it doesn’t. The failure of it all comes crashing and you feel utterly horrible because of it. What could be more frustrating than that? My self-worth was shattered when she made it clear that I couldn’t compare to one of her selfish needs. The realization made me cried and I grew sick to my stomach. And while we both regret the things we said, the damage was already in place. Needless to say, because I felt that way, I was in no position to get Mikasa out of her shitty state because we were both one in the same. Mikasa couldn't get better until I got better. And just as slowly as I was feeling like myself again, it came crashing by the start of the New Year. My feelings got hurt by another and you can’t imagine how emotionally draining that was to relive all over again, only to get sick physically that I went to the hospital. Horrific experience that was, and now it’s been weeks, and I feel a little better. Only to get sick again all over again. I honestly thought I would never get this chapter out by the rate that I was going and assumed my writing days have passed. I grew sick of everything and I must admit I welcomed death at an earlier point because I was incredibly ill. So apologies if the angst is cranked up in this chapter. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. If there is any indication of how this chapter will be, my last one was typed during my trials of ‘self-worth’.

 

_What do you want to be? What has become of your life? Do you want to live like this?_

Was the only thing Mikasa was asking herself as she stared at the ceiling, being completely still, letting Annie’s deep breathes consume any air in the room, causing friction on her legs, it was her reminder that she was still alive; that she was still okay. She basked in that moment, letting it devour her as she repent in silence, her recent mistake of _almost_ killing her.

 _Incidentally, no less. But really now, would that be such a bad idea?_ She couldn’t even answer that. Everything she has done up to this point was to ensure her survival, it would be incredibly counterproductive to kill the very thing she has risked her life for.

_The lives you have taken_ _——_

She quickly interrupts herself _._

 _——_ _it isn’t something to be denied, but it’s something I won’t say_. Mikasa was aware that Annie was in that state because of her, no one else, and the guilt of it all was overwhelming. She made it her goal to not even look at her recent masterpiece of covering her mouth with such bloody hands, she didn’t wish to see it.  It honestly hurt and it even made her questioned her position on looking after her. She was so caught up with trying to comprehend her recent events that she failed to notice how frighten she actually was. She was terrified beyond belief. And it exhausted her to the point of crying earlier. 

Everything was so unfamiliar, even the room they were in. Her experience was anew, and had very little to self-control over her own emotions to act correctly. A position she greatly hated.

Annie’s deep breaths were now a mixture of dust and iron from blood, courtesy of her new found guardian in question. It was certainly a dreadful inhale that she wasn’t going to forget anytime soon. As much as Mikasa wanted it to be cleaner, she was frozen to fix it. 

_You'd think that by having the intention of 'wanting to', to suffice, but it'll only serve as a reminder of how little control you actually have. For 'wanting', will never be enough. Doing is._

And there it was, a letdown in her good intentions.  Running to the surface for some clean air wasn’t an option. _So what can you do?_

 _Just breathe._ Whether the message was for her or Annie, it was just the same. Breathing was for the living, and she wanted Annie to breathe.

Their breaths were out of sync, they filled up the tiny room, Mikasa’s back still against the wall; pondering her next move _——_ _my next mistake_ _——_ _and_ what would be the correct feeling to focus on. Her burning sensation from her back was ignored, she allowed it to numb her. _Just how many more sins must I make for her sake?_ She wasn’t proud of what she had done to those poor men, they were following a direct order, much like her, how were they different?

_They weren’t._

And a part of her saw Annie as this vile plague that she simply couldn’t ignore.

_Should I hate her? For what exactly? What has she done besides exist?_

‘Exist’ was the only thing Mikasa could muster her thoughts on and retorted. It was because Annie existed once again that everything became complicated.  

_As a child no-less._

_—now was that really such a bad idea to ‘almost’ kill her?_ Her mind teased, replaying an earlier conversation, making her chest rise quickly and she dare to lower her eyes only to meet blue shiny orbs staring back at her, her fingers twitch at that and she shivered halting her breathing, and just for a split second, everything made perfect sense. _If Annie was gone. . I could be rescued, no one would fear me, this burden would be gone, everything would return back to norm——_

_——I never thought you were such a coward._

Her eyes widen at this, her mind verbally assaulted her with such a response, but her chest was racing with the possibility of this new found solution, and what of the men you killed? Would that be in vain? What has this child done to deserve death?

Mikasa bit her lip, preventing it from quivering, her vision became a blur, the urge to cry was present again. She could feel it in her throat, that all too familiar feeling, everything ache inside and she utterly had no solution. None that she would consider doing. It was such a frustrating feeling, even more so as she tried hiding it. It would have been much easier if Annie did something to _deserve_ it, but she honestly hasn’t done a thing. And even if she did, what would constitute taking away a child’s life?

Again, no real answers, her stomach still in knots, her heart still racing, she honestly wanted to scream, but that would be in vain.  She’ll be discovered, and frighten Annie in the process, _and perhaps blast me away?_ A comforting thought actually _——_ _for a coward_.  She lowers her eyes once more and feels herself glue to her blue eyes, Annie’s lips were parted, still breathing behind all of that blood, looking up just as well; mirroring Mikasa’s emotions. Both confused and lost about everything. It wasn’t comforting, it was horrifying.

_Do you want to live this way?_

She pondered, realizing she was in another troubling situation, her feelings clash with logic, for a few seconds her fear alone was enough proof that she wanted to survive this ordeal, otherwise there would be nothing left to fear _——yet——_ _a part of her hoped that Annie would transform._ _Very contradicting thoughts Ackerman._

 _Either way you sliced it, she was wondering_ _how_ _she wanted to live proved that she was picking life at this particular moment._

 _Dying wasn’t the problem, it was living with your choices, your memories that was the real issue. Whereas dying meant that you’d leave something significant._ Annie was _it_ in her eyes, but she’s nowhere near doing such a thing.

_You mustn’t let a child know you’re afraid, you mustn’t let them be worried about you, for they’ll reflect your emotions back to you._

Mikasa allowed that to sink in, it was a good sign that she was thinking out of her element for a change, she really can’t afford to waste more time on this than she already has.  

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and felt a little better. Her thoughts were slowly coming into place, perhaps it was Annie’s eyes that made up her mind, or the burden to see through all of this. Or maybe it was the pure idea of leaving a child alone, unattended that gave her an impetus to finally move. But one thing was certain; whatever monster Annie was, it was beautiful.

_Are you worth it?_

She exhaled, leaning forward, back away from the wall.

_Annie can’t transform_ _._

Mikasa repeated this as a mantra as she ran her fingertips through Annie’s hair. Dried blood patches on the sides, earlier grips by keeping her pressed against her in dire situations.Annie had already endured incredible stress for a child _——_ from earlier screams to even peeing on Mikasa’s thigh _——_ if Annie was _ever_ going to transform, those would have been the perfect times. Yet, she hasn’t. _Maybe she doesn’t know how?_ An interesting thought, she was aware that any distress could push her over the limit, which was the reason behind her being cautious.

_Yet why haven’t you when we failed so miserably?_

_——is it really consider a  failure when she actually hasn’t transformed?_

Her mind mocked her, Mikasa wasn’t sure if it was lack of skill or memory, or if it was the fact that she honestly didn’t possess that ability anymore, she knew Hanji would have loved to tackle this mystery on the _whys_.

 _Hanji._ She blinked and slowly stood the child up, the smell of pee in her thigh was getting stronger, and while she was in a horrible state, she felt a tiny beam of hope of the possibility of Hanji being alive, someone that could help her. To what extent, she wasn’t sure, but she felt some comfort in knowing that at least someone approved of Annie’s existence. Whether Hanji was still alive or not, was another story altogether. But Mikasa shifted some of the blame towards her, she was following a direct order after all. If it was held against trial, she doesn’t know how long that card would be effective if she were to play it. Last time she saw her she was being tackled down, that can’t be promising either way you slice it.

Yet, she had some hope. Hope that this wouldn’t be a mistake. Hope that everything would go away. Hope that _——_

“We gotta go.” She simply states interrupting her thoughts, seeing Annie blink at her.

A small growl is heard and Mikasa lowers her eyes once more pausing. Her face softens at the realization of that sound.

_She’s hungry._

She couldn’t explain why that was comforting to hear, but it certainly humanizes Annie to her.

_Still scare. Still a child——definitely a child, a hungry one. You mustn’t let her know you’re afraid——_

She clears her throat, cutting her thought while she fixes the jacket over Annie’s tiny shoulders. _Tiny, tiny, little shoulders. ._ Mikasa emphasis as she looks at her hands, choosing to ignore the red blood on them, noticing that it’s difficult to pinpoint the difference between the two based on the darkness in the room. It didn’t really matter where the dark red began, it was all over them.

It was strange, considering that this jacket has seen so much blood over the years, and this was the first time it truly bother her.

 _This won’t do. . ._ She takes another deep breath in, her nose catching the stench of pee. . _This won’t do either. . ._ She makes a mild face to that. First thing was obvious to her, besides food, she needed to get a fresh pair of clothes, and something for Annie to wear, the smell would give away their position and _——not just the pee, but the blood as well_. Mikasa pauses and realizes she had a point. She had grown accustomed to the smell of blood, pee was entirely new to her, and she’s certain the other members of the Corps would feel the same. The days of peeing in your pants were far gone to be doing that this late in the game.

 _——_ _smells should be the least of your concerns, Ackerman, since when are children quiet?_ Her mind quickly interrupts, shocking her quickly. It wouldn’t matter how well she can mask her appearance and hers, the second Annie would cry, it would be all in vain. No amount of clothing could cover that up.

Mikasa levels her eyes to the child in question, who in return stared back in silence.

_Don’t scream._

A ridiculous thought, and pointless to request that she didn’t say anything. Making her obey it was also ridiculous _——correction, ‘asking’ is——_ the last thing she wants to do is compromised a child into keeping an oath that is out of her reach. And covering her mouth again to prevent her from doing so, wasn’t an option she was willing to consider.

_Not again._

She knows that she’s dehydrated from all that screaming and crying from earlier, Annie’s arrival was a rather violent one, she knows that she hasn’t even settle in at all. She honestly can’t picture what is going through her mind. But she knows that she doesn’t have enough time to let her process it. And lecturing her on the rights and wrongs was an entirely different situation that Mikasa couldn’t fathom where to begin. Especially when she’s the least person to lecture her on such things.

_But one can hope right?_

 “Annie. . . I need you to be quiet. Okay?”

The child nods in agreement as she rubs her eyes. It hurt Mikasa to see that, they were slightly red, and she wouldn’t put it pass her to feel them irritated. She wanted Annie to have clothes on, to not be naked with just a bloody, torn up jacket, and most importantly, she wanted to feed her. _It’s the right thing, right?_

_Do you think that by doing the right thing you’ll be rewarded?_

Mikasa wasn’t sure what the reward was, nor how to measure it. If it meant living another day, that was reward enough for her. All she knows for now, is that wishing to be rescued wasn’t something she was trained to do, she was trained to act, to see results, and sitting around hoping for the best wasn’t an option.

 _Really now, you have spent a significant time in self-pity, that your ignorance clouded your judgment at the_   _realization that most of your comrades owe their lives to you. How dare they rise against you?_

Her mind mocked her as she stood up, ignoring her back injury as she picked up Annie in her arms once more, biting back the pain it provided.

 _How dare they indeed._  She mocked in return, taking a step forward.

Mikasa had to admit, she was impressed by that. Her comrades, whilst knowing she was worth them all, it only proved what  _fear_  actually does to people. It’s incredibly destructive, especially if your life is on the line. They didn’t flinch at raising their swords at you if it meant to live another day.

 _Take a deep breath._ She reminded herself as she grabbed on to her sword, this only made Annie fidget, a sign that she wasn’t fond of violence. Mikasa was surprised at that, _clearly no child could be fond of such things, or perhaps it reminded Annie of what was done to her before she crystallized?_ Mikasa abandons the thought, it was pointless right now. Her grip only tightens around it, took a step forward, a heavy step. She felt her back aching and open the door in front of her with a quick, swift of her fingers, making sure to not drop her weapon.

_Exhale._

She peers into a long empty corridor, poor light, but her eyes had already adjusted. Annie wasn’t frighten either, hers were too. The view wasn’t comforting, it only proved that she had a long walk ahead of her with no real visual in sight.

_Inhale. And walk._

She obeyed.

\---

An hour earlier.

“I chose salvation!” Hanji shouted back, letting her voice fill the room.  “And I’ll do it again!” She barked aiming her sword at them.

Hanji knew what she had done, she rattled an already confused and scared crowd, threatened to take their very lives if they opposed to her whims, still a part of her felt some sadness to see it come to this level. _But. . ._ She looked at a frighten Mikasa, and all of her hopes rested on this solider with the child in question. Pleased that Mikasa was the _right_ person for this job.

_100 soldiers huh?_

She remembered that Mikasa was the one that kept her within the walls, no other solider came close, not even Eren as a Titan himself. Should there be a need for Mikasa to act accordingly, she knows she’ll put a stop to it.

 _Accordingly? You mean death?_ Hanji didn’t flinch at that thought, she trusted her judgement. Mikasa wasn’t the type of solider to disappoint. She felt comfort in knowing that.

Even now with all the things that have happened, she would have never dreamed of seeing a child coming out of the crystal, nothing of that sort. Her mind indeed was racing with countless questions, firing away and she felt a strong passion to see through it that she made such an outburst. Her intention wasn’t to slaughter anyone, nor make such threats, but when it’s _between_ her and her prize possession, any mad scientist would react the same.

 _But really now, was that such a good idea Hanji?_ She parted her lips and felt a bittersweet sentiment of all her struggles. Her endless need to come close to understanding the Titans,the countless expeditions only to come back with little information at the loss of many men.

Hanji seriously couldn’t fathom why the men were behaving this way, this was the find of the lifetime for any Survey Corp, instead of embracing what could be the key to saving humanity, they’d wish to tear it apart. Just that possibility alone was enough to grasp onto any silly motion she may have, her threat felt tiny by comparison. There was no lie in her words, she wanted _salvation_ , she just didn’t specify whose.

“The Survey Corps always had a losing record…” she trails off, lowering her eyes, _whose salvation?_ It echoed in her mind as she felt her heart racing, inching closer to an answer.

She parted her lips.

_Annie’s._

“RUN!” and screamed at her.  

Mikasa jolted up at the order with child in hand and sprint quickly. Paving her way through a wave of men, pushing one to the side, and almost losing her footing. Hanji’s eyes widen as she quickly intercepts the blade aiming towards her from behind and unarms the poor man quickly, trying her best to provide a way for her escape. She swung her sword around aiming at the others, her silent order to _stop_ , and saw a few running away, Mikasa was no longer within sight, it wasn’t encouraging, but her eyes trace the room and saw more swords aiming at her.

 _‘Then we’ll die today!_ _’_ It cross her mind, her earlier statement about seeing Annie’s arrival. Hanji certainly did say that, with amusement nonetheless.

_‘We’ sounds like a lot of people. You were uncertain about salvation, but certain about death?_

She smiles at that.

“Death is guaranteed.” She mumbles softly as she reveals her sinister grin, dying didn’t seem like a big deal anymore, if anything she welcome it if it meant saving her. This day was the day Hanji was waiting for all her life and yet ——

“You’ve killed us all!” One solider cried out as she advanced towards Hanji, only to have Levi blocked it, swinging his sword high, cutting off her blade with a swift move. Giving him no option but to retreat.

“Enough” He declared in his usual angry tone, staring both at them.

“We’re at War with Titans, not ourselves.” He states as he lowers his blade down. Hanji takes a step back and aims at Levi, surprising him quickly.

“Hanji..?”

“You were willing to kill her.” She states in all seriousness not budging.

His glare deepens and parts his lips——

“She’s a traitor!” A few men shout from behind raising their swords. “Quick, grab her brother, he’s a Titan himself!!” A few declare as they grab Eren. “Wha _——_ “ Eren puts up a fight and sees Jean shake his head, urging him to not resist, standing perfectly firm on his legs with his hands in front of him. This only angers him more and lashes out, only to get punched in the face by a solider, knocking him down to the ground while another rests his foot against his head, keeping him down on the ground.

“Idiot. . “ Jean scoffs under his tone as he looks at him.

“Careful. He could transform.” Hanji states amusingly as she reveals her teeth, not lowering her sword. Levi tsk, he was not amused.

 _What would it be like to lose the thing you most treasure, Levi?_ Hanji’s expression turned serious, knowing that she was showing Levi a glimpse of what he almost did to her. _To lose the very thing you fought so much for._ She did feel some guilt to drag in the poor boy, but it was her only leverage.

The men took a step back with great caution. “He wouldn’t!” Jean shouted. “Eren has been our alley. He wouldn’t harm us.” He glared at him, hoping to not put his words in vain and do anything stupid.

Another solider aims his sword towards his neck. “His sister will be hunted down, do you think he’ll play nice among us?” Jean’s eyes widen, knowing very well how everything has changed.

“He only changes when he bites his hands! Cut them off!” one said from the back quickly.

Eren grits his teeth in a panic, angry and fidgets, shouting “I won’t!”

A man scoffed at that. “We should have killed him when we had the chance.” Lamp shading part of the blame to his Squad Leader, using this as an excuse to ignore him completely, turning around to order 3 of his friends to go after Mikasa, to retreat the child in question and redirects his sword towards Eren once more. “Your hands get near your mouth, and we’ll cut them off.” He threatens, knowing that any sort of order was gone. Eren wasn’t special, he was seen just as a Titan, ready to go off any minute if they weren’t careful.

Levi stares in anger and back at her, balling his fists “Stop this.” Knowing full and well Hanji was responsible for triggering this madness, the very thing he was preventing.  She was taunting the men, throwing Eren in the mix, he couldn’t understand why she was doing this.

_We’re friends, aren’t we?_

“You didn’t think for one minute that she was worth everything we worked so hard for. . “ Hanji stated as she focus her blade on him, showing her disappointment in her comrade, masked behind hurt and hate altogether.  

“You don’t know what she is!” Levi stated. “I do!” She shouts back, feeling her eyes watering up, hurt that she needs to explain herself to someone she trusted for so long. Levi widens his eyes, sees that Hanji wouldn’t hesitate to tear him down if he gave her the chance. A side that he has never seen towards him.

“Hanji. . . “ He parts his lips, sensing the evitable as there is no reasoning with her, his heart races, his grip tightly on to his sword, staring intensely at Hanji’s eyes, hoping that she’ll lower it, come to reason, to please, please come to reason, and sees her flinch. Levi’s heart drops, his eyes widen as he gasps out and drops quickly to the ground, feeling a clean cut across his cheek, barely dodging her blade and moves his hand quickly in an angry jolt upwards shutting his eyes.

_Hanji!_

The remaining men in the room gasp, everyone remain quiet, Levi’s head starts spinning as he glances up to see his recent masterpiece.

_Hanji. Hanji._

Hanji remains standing perfectly still, as if she never flinched in the first place. Levi knows what he has done. He felt the weight of his sword, for the first time in forever, he was honestly upset with how things turn out.  Hanji feels a tingling sensation on her arm and blinks as she holds it up. Her eyes widen, half her forearm missing, blood gushed out.

Her expression soften, trying to grasp on to what has happened, her smile lessens as she feels her blood rush quickly and opens her mouth to scream in agony. Finally registering what has happened to her.

Her cries filled the room, her agonizing screams ringing in Levi’s ear, she frantically swings her arm “Restrain her!” he orders as he gets up, and 2 men grab onto her , only to watch her knees hit the floor, crying in agony.

“My arm! My arm!” She screams out, as one loyal solider wraps his cape around it, and tights it around the clean cut, hoping she won’t bleed to death. Hanji puts up a fight as she moves about in agony, “you’re dead! DEAD!” she cries out.

Levi stares in silence, broken inside, reflecting back on the death of his comrades, trusted friends, and now this. This was the worst thing he could have done. The men stared at him with fear, to see him do this to someone he cared about was frightening, it made them no exception against humanity strongest.

_What will Smith say? What will happen here on in? How many times can I apologize to her?_

Hanji may survive this, but even then, Levi was dead to her, that much he was certain. And that was something he couldn’t swallow.

His eyes water up and quickly stood up, hiding his emotions. “Get her to the clinic immediately.” He stated quickly, afraid to choke on his words, to show his vulnerable side to the others and looks away as Hanji resumes kicking and screaming, refusing to leave in defeat.

 _“_ Right away!” One cried out over her, trying his best to handle her. Levi diverted his eyes and tried to focus on the situation at hand.

His comrades didn’t want to cross eyes with him, except Eren, who was shocked and could only stare in disbelief, Jean stared away, he was angry, but kept his gaze down. They were being treated like criminals for things they haven’t done, but simply because of who they were by affiliation to Mikasa. 

Levi comes up to the solider who had previously ordered the 3 men to go after her and glare at his boot, which was holding Eren’s head down. “Your men are already dead.” He stated firmly. The man widens his eyes. “Huh?”

 _“_ I didn’t stutter.”  Levi knew Mikasa was stronger than most of the men present, and really proved no threat to her. His eyes diverted to Jean.

“Release him.” He ordered, surprising Jean, gaining his full attention. “Why?” One questioned.

“She won’t kill him.” He retorted. “You’ll bring her back to us. With the child.” Jean widens his eyes, parting his lips to speak——

“I already sent 3 men after her. What’s one by com——“

“They’re dead. I said I didn’t stutter.” Levi stated as he glared at the man, his tone masked with annoyance for repeating himself. “She already made up her mind about defending that child, she won’t give it up easily.” He returns his attention to Jean. “Your mission is to bring her back.”

“But I. . “ Jean begins, trailing off, feeling a weight on his shoulders.

 _“_ We can’t afford any more deaths, we must solve this situation. Rescue your friend.”

 _‘Friend’? You’re friends, aren’t you? Don’t you fancy her?_ Levi raises his eyebrow pondering such thoughts.

_Yes, she won’t kill a dear friend. She’ll hesitate like I have with Hanji. She’ll listen_ _——_

_——Like you listen to her, right?_

Levi felt his heart harden, his expression turned serious. “Go. She can’t be far.” Jean returned the expression and nodded, taking a step forward and sees his friend Eren on the floor, who in return stared back at him. Not wishing to leave him like this, but knows that he’s better off staying behind. A silent agreement between the two about getting her back.

 _To be beheaded? Treason?_ Jean quickly shook that thought away knowing they weren’t good ends, and started running, taking the same path the other 3 men have, hoping that she can’t have gone far gone.

 _‘I’m going to rescue you, Mikasa!’_ Jean thinks quickly, knowing that there are 3 men after her, and if he must, he’ll defend her if needed. That was motivation enough for him to sprint.

\---

It didn’t take long for Jean to make it through a small room and sees 3 dead men inside. One decapitated, another with a chest injury, he glared at the sight and looked around, knowing that they were the men that were that were sent out earlier. It sent a chill down his spine, knowing that Mikasa was behind this. To see the things a comrade can do to defend themselves was frightening. He was stupid to underestimate her, but while knowing that she excels in so much, he had hoped to be needed by her for once.

It was inexcusable for Mikasa to murder them, Jean was having a hard time trying to wrap his way around this. He had hope for her to find a way to make them stop without actually killing them. He didn’t wish for Levi’s words to be right, he didn’t want to see Mikasa as a murder.

_Mikasa doesn’t need to be rescued. She needs to be stopped._

His eyebrows narrow down together, he was on edge, knowing that if he were to approach her the wrong way, he could be dead too.

 _‘She won’t kill him’_ Jean honestly wasn’t sure why Levi would think that. But he certainly wishes he was right about that. Jean is nowhere near a match for her. And he valued his life greatly. It was strange really, to now picture yourself in a position where the person you most hold dear could very well murder you. It was horrifying.

 _Surely Mikasa had her reasons. Self-defense!_ Was his answer. Even while having it, it didn’t cure him from being on edge, from taking his steps lightly and being alert for her to jump out and kill him.

 _‘_ _No. Not Mikasa.’_ He shook that thought away. He held on to that thought of her that he so much admire as much as he held on to that sword of his, his hand was shaking.

\---

Mikasa’s ghostly atmosphere didn’t change. Her corridor felt like it stretched on for miles, and she knew that part of the pain she felt had something to do with it. Her predicament was dire and she still had no solutions.

 _Exhale_. This time her chest felt heavy, she pursed her lips, reaffirm her grip on Annie, and felt her eyes daze a bit. The air was certainly musky and made it difficult to see very well.

She had made the mistake of dragging her sword across the wall, making a scraping sound, scaring her and the child altogether. She was honestly tired. Emotionally unstable. Physically drained. _Yet_ _——_

 _——_ _Kill her._

She blinked as it ran across her head. She swallowed hard, and Annie began to feel heavier around her hold. The weight of the burden was a burning sensation that manifest across her back, she had done a good job to ignore it for the _right_ reasons, now they were clouded. And she began to feel sluggish.  

Each step towards the end in utter silence was unbearable. Uncertain of what will come out, the very light breathing of a child, beating heart, letting her know she was alive. And while Mikasa was armed and prepare, she wasn’t certain if she wanted to actually use any of it.

_Prepare for what? Foolish girl, would you honestly harm more people for her sake?_

Who was Mikasa protecting? Herself, Annie? Others from her?

She stopped walking, paused. Her heart started to ache, and her eyes began to water up impairing her vision once more.

“I’m protecting them from myself, ” she utters poorly, to whom, no one was present. Except Annie. And a child of that mental state couldn’t comprehend the rambles of an adult in distress. And that’s where Mikasa was, in distress, she had fooled herself into believing that she was no longer in peril, she had put up a strong front for the sake of this child, whom she wasn’t certain if she wanted to keep saving.

Uttering such phrase was painful, and she was feeling it all over, the one who self-proclaim to be worth 100 soldiers was now seeing herself as a threat. With such ease she took down 3 comrades, with ease she can take down Titans, and it wasn’t long until she remembered how she took Annie down. Irony was a cruel thing today.

Silence was her enemy, the darkness made her bitter and tense, ill thoughts began to consume her. Anxiety above all was making her illogical.

_Who would you kill next?_

It echoes in her head.

_Someone, anyone will come to find you. They’ll come to get you. And then what? Will you run? Play it safe? And for how long? How long can you keep running? How long can you keep fighting?_

Mikasa dragged her feet. Her pace, rivalling a snail, her arms forward, her legs nonmoving, she looked like she was being forced back. A strong forced preventing her from advancing.

_Was it Annie? Is Annie’s weight lowering you down?_

No answer.

_Lose it. Cut the chains and run. No one will hate you for what you’ve done. You were only following an order. It’s your Squad Leader's fault. Hanji is to blame for everything._

_Kill her._

_Kill her._

Mikasa blinked, her chest was racing, and never would she believe she could have such sinister thoughts. Her head started spinning, fear was indeed a dangerous thing. But it didn’t matter, she had to endure her feelings, her emotions, and emotions are never rational. It honestly didn’t make her feel any better.

She parted her lips and felt the urge to breathe, she put Annie down quickly, only to have her grip on to her clothes not wishing to let go.  This infuriates her.

“Stop it!” She scolds as she forcibly flinch her off her, making Annie release a small cry.

She peels her off her like a leech. At least, that’s how Mikasa saw her. A leech sucking the life out of her. She was powerless to stop her mind and its thinking process, not in the state that she was in, but she wasn’t useless to think on her feet by putting the child down. She wanted separation, knowing her thoughts might _actually_ convince her to do something she really doesn’t want to do.

_Kill her._

She closed her eyes as she gasps for some air, placing her arm on the wall, helping herself up, and tried to focus only to come up with nothing. Annie’s frail cry wasn’t helping, it only nerve her more. _So much for silence._  She open her eyes only to see Annie looking back at her, her lip quivering, she could see that her eyes were watery, she _had_ hurt her yet again, this time by treating her this way, a complete rejection, that’s how Annie saw it. But Mikasa couldn’t pamper the needs of a child right now, not in her state.

And she could never apologize enough for everything if she were sane, but right now, she loathes the sight of her. Couldn’t bear it. She needed to breathe, a moment of silence.

“Stop it. . “ She utter, hoping for Annie to be silent. _Any minute we’ll be discover. . stop it._

_Since when are children quiet?_

This ignited anger inside her, and she wasn’t angry at Annie, she was angry at herself, because she let Annie see this horrible side of her. She wished she hadn’t. But it was too late for it. Twice, she mistreated her, and this was the third. And what Mikasa hated the most was the next thing she was going to do.

She grabs the girl’s hand and yank on it as she walked forward, making her walk behind her. “Move!” she ordered so she could keep up.

This was the worst. To hide your errors by blaming a child was the worst thing Mikasa could do. But she desperately needed to reset her judgement.

That need, that need to reset, to play out your frustration and anger to the max before it could swallow you inside, only to render yourself in tears mins later for releasing something so horrible inside.

Mikasa felt it. She felt it with every step. She knew she was wrong, so very wrong, but it didn’t change her actions. She saw Annie almost stumbling on her oversize jacket, and pulled harder on her hand only to make Annie cry out again at the roughness, her cries only worsen. 

_Hate me. Hate me!_

_Nevermind a petty cry, we’ll be discovered sooner or later. What difference did it make!?_

Mikasa glanced back again and saw her looking down, rubbing her eye the best she could between her weeps, her tears had wetted her cheeks and her sloppy rubs only smear the blood all over across her face. This anger her more.  Annie’s tiny leg missed a step and Mikasa pulled her back up quickly with such rage.

It was hopeless. No child could keep up. No child should be abused. No child should ever have to endure what she is enduring. She was starving, dehydrated, frighten, and now scared by the very person who was now protecting her. She had every right to fear her. And she was inches away from having her tiny arm dislocated.

Mikasa’s chest burst with such fire, incapable of going on and cries out, she couldn’t take it anymore, coming to an abrupt stop/ “Transform damn you!” She shouted at the child who quickly fell on her feet and sat up  pressing herself against the wall, horrified as she cried out holding her hands up, trying to shield herself from Mikasa’s wrath. Her oversize sleeves covering her tiny body from view, Annie’s cried filled the corridor once more.

“Why don’t you!?” Mikasa shouted as she hit her fists on the wall looking down at her. Knowing that if she did, she would have justification for her ill thoughts, to put an end to this and everything. Annie was in raging agony, a cry that Mikasa hadn’t heard, the cry of a child being hurt the most, betrayed by the one they trusted. A cry that cut deep inside Mikasa that she too was crying uncontrollably. She hated everything, herself the most as she dropped down to her knees, covering her eyes, she honestly didn’t care anymore.

She wanted to cry, she wanted to be hopeless, she wanted to be exhausted and reset. But most of all, she really just wanted to stop hurting Annie.

The possibility of being discovered didn’t matter anymore, she stopped caring about everything for a change and just balled up on the floor, mimicking Annie’s actions. She wasn’t worth 100 soldiers, she wasn’t worth anything. She was just a woman, a mere human with feelings, insecurities, and really believed she was doing the right thing. She couldn’t understand why this was happening. Why Annie had to hurt so much for anything to happen.

She hugged her legs, buried her head in them, felt her insides shaking, her throat aching, feeling incredibly hot by the musky air. She didn’t want to kill her. She didn’t want to do anything anymore. She wanted peace. She wanted answers. Solutions. But most of all, she didn’t want to be scared.

 _Why does this have to hurt so much?_ She thinks sadly, feeling an empty void inside consumes her.

 _You made that call._ Mikasa blinked. _You made that call, Hanji answered it by giving it structure. Hanji wasn’t to blame. She aided you by ordering you so it’ll look like it was her blame entirely. Had you not stepped in in the first place, Hanji wouldn’t need to order such a thing. Yet you blame her for her vanity of being worth 100 soldiers._

She remained quiet. It was all making sense again. She felt incredibly lonely, and as much as she tried, she couldn’t ask anything from Annie, not even silence.

_Nothing to do._

Several minutes later, Mikasa was in a similar state that she started in. She wasn’t any wiser, and what she did realize didn’t make her stronger, it made her realize something much worse. Annie was hiccuping, her throat hurt, she could hear it, she heard it as it got weaker, Mikasa could only remain still. She had successfully cancelled herself out to even hug her for comfort, she was the one that put her in this state.

_And for what purpose? So she can transform and blast you away?_

 It was comforting to think that it was that easy. She finally looks up, and sees Annie the way she had envisioned her to be, she was honestly getting use to this pathetic mistreated view of her, but it didn’t stop her from hurting. It only reminded her on how wrong she was for this job.

_No child should pay for the mistakes of an adult._

She lower her eyes to the ground, saw her poor reflection on her sword, she was in much better shape than a child at this point, her heart resuming a steady beat again, the fire from inside growing cold. She parts her lips, coming to a conclusion after all these times.

“I think I made a mistake.  .” She began and pulled her head back, and stared at the ceiling.

_Sometimes a shift in perspective just makes you see what you lost._

“When I was little. . . I was protected. I was very much loved. And I still became this.”

_Do you want to live like this?_

She glances back down at Annie and releases a very small smile.         

_I don’t._

“I think I made a mistake.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. Whatever feeling I had when I wrote this is very much gone. I had much to say then, and I did find it incredibly hard to write that final scene. I felt crazy emotional that I had to stop many times. Her conclusion really floored me on the realization that I may have broken Mikasa. . but now, I don’t really have anything to say anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this fiction.


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